Walnuts Made It! Blogging the First Presidential Debate

We're watching tonight's debate on our new digital TV thingy, and it's totally going to kick-ass. Those navy blue suits and muted, understated ties are going to POP in digital!

Wow, look at that giant angry eagle. He’s going to peck out the eyes of anyone who doesn’t love America.

Why is Jim Lehrer yelling at us? Someone fix his mic, please.

Ah, that was tricky – “The global financial crisis.” Nicely done.

Wow, Jim’s kinda being an asshole – why even have an audience if they can’t make any noise?

Obama is thinking, “Glad to see you actually showed up, prune-face!”

They even turned off the lights on the audience. That’s cold.

Jim’s not really on his A game tonight, is he?

What kinds of pin does ‘Bama have on? It better be a fucking flag or the eagle is going to come for him.

Wow, right into the issues and policy, 'Bama, nice going.

Yeah baby, McCain LOVES Bush – keep it coming -- pin it ALL on Bush/McCain.

Oh Christ. First of all, Walnuts, Kennedy’s office released a statement saying he’s probably home by now, watching the debate.

Every republican watching this immediately and instinctively went into a rant about Chappaquiddick as soon as they heard him say the words “Senator Kennedy.” They just can’t help themselves.

My friends, I haven’t been feeling too great about the economy, but hey, I have like 29 houses and 309 cars, so I’ll probably be ok! Don’t you worry about me, friend. Cindy and I will somehow make it through.

What the hell did McCain just do? He just winked at us like a pirate and pointed out the fact that he’s like 300 years old. Poor.

Walnuts doesn’t have a flag pin…for shame! That eagle is gonna swoop down and punish him.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! We’re all going to be poor and then we’re going to die! It seems like he’s telling us to panic…and make a run on the banks for our money. Another bank is going to fail tonight thanks to his alarmist statements.

Funny, I thought the economy was “fundamentally sound?”

Talk to each other? Right, go ahead guys. “Hey, John, how’s it going? Uh, WTF were you thinking about Palin, man?”

Obama is that brilliant but scary professor who drills holes in your skull with his eyes when you’re explaining why you didn’t turn in your paper, and McCain is that boring and crabby uncle you’re trying to avoid sitting next to at Thanksgiving dinner.

How does the landing at Normandy relate to the credit crisis? What IS McCain babbling about?

Every time you hear “Main Street and Wall Street,” take a drink.

Awkward. The last thing these guys want to do is talk to each other. McCain won’t even LOOK at Obama. Let’s drop this whole “talk to each other” thing, ok, Jim?

Have we ever talked about McCain's GIANT head? With the jowls, it’s like one-third the total length of his body.

So, are the best days are ahead of us, or all we all supposed to panic, or are we all just irresponsible twits that aren’t qualified to wipe the asses of the greatest generation?

Oh, god, this election’s compulsory example of stupid government spending. This time it’s bear DNA. What was it last election? Something about sheep?

Wow, John McCain has a pen. A PEN. He also has 246 cars.

I thought this was supposed to be about foreign policy? Not so much, I guess.

I wish I collected a paycheck every day. That would be sweet. I think he meant folks who WORK every day. Which sucks.

‘Bama looks like he’s going to beat down Walnuts. Maybe he’ll gang up with the angry eagle.

Ok, we’re 15 minutes in and McCain hasn’t mentioned that he was a POW or his “service to this county.” That’s gotta be a record.

Oooohh, Obama’s getting fired up now. Let’s go! Because otherwise, I’m falling asleep.

Ok, we’re 19 minutes in, they’ve FINALLY mentioned a foreign power, and it’s IRELAND. Wow, this is some fascinating policy discussion.

MY FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He said it – take a drink.

‘Bama is really doing a huge laundry list here with no detail. I don’t think this is a good idea – all of these things sound really expensive. Keeping up with those wily Chinese space walkers – that can’t be cheap.

Yeah, I’d be laughing at Walnuts and his giant head, too. I am so tired of Republicans using the word liberal like a profanity.

The “little combat ship?” Yeah, that sounds like a GREAT program. What the fuck is the little combat ship?

Uh…what about ENDING THE FUCKING WAR to save some money?!

Spending freeze? Did he just make that up? His campaign staff is backstage spitting out their diet Dokes. “Holy shit! What did he just say – spending freeze?! Johnson, did he tell you about this?”

And by “make decisions on their own” for healthcare, what I really mean is that families should “pay for it on their own.”

UH…aren’t YOU a veteran, John? So, by “taking care of our veterans,” I think we all know who you’re thinking about …taking care of NUMBER ONE! Busted.

Why is everyone so down on how much we owe China? “China still cool…you pay later! Later!”

This is the second time McCain’s reminded us that he wasn’t elected Miss Congeniality. I think he’s still bitter. Poor guy.

Did we miss the Senate beauty pageant this year? I love the swimsuit competition.

This is the most boring debate I think I’ve even seen in my entire life.

McCain just took responsibility for the rise of the Taliban. Way to go, buddy!

Sometimes you just have to do stuff, and you just have to do it, even if it’s unpopular. Now, where have we heard this before? Yikes, that’s scary. “…and if I have to nuke the entire southern hemisphere, I’ll do it. AND I’ll use the little combat ship.”

Middle America isn’t going to like ‘Bama’s pronunciation of Pakistan with the long a’s. Too snooty.

I’m SO glad he mentioned McCain’s fucking “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb bomb Iran” song. Not only was it in poor taste, it was so cringe-worthy.

Now McCain has adopted Obama’s Pakistan pronunciation.

The ubiquitous Reagan reference. When can we stop hearing about THAT guy?

Was John McCain in the military? I did not know that.

The one thing Obama has done tonight is eliminated the experience question…there’s no way anyone could watch this and think Obama isn’t ready or doesn’t have the experience to lead. He’s hanging right in there.

Christ, there’s another HOUR of this? Oh, just half an hour. Thank god.

Iran is an “existential” threat to Israel? Is Jean-Paul Sartre running for president now? What the fuck does that mean? Iran is going to catapult used philosophy textbooks into Tel Aviv?

Wow, this whole Iran nuclear threat thing sounds SO familiar…hum, I wonder where we’ve heard this before… “It’s a real threat, there’s no question that they’re developing these weapons, etc., etc.”

Ok, I’m done blogging now. Want to take over, ol rip-ass coat bitch?

No. I’m falling asleep.

Wouldn’t it be cool if the angry eagle was automated and helped Jim moderate?

“Let’s stay on topic now, Senator McCain. Caw! Caw!”

“Time is up, Senator Obama -- yield to Mr. McCain. Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! We must move on, now, really. Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Have you really looked at this beak, Senator? Your time is up.”

BOOM baby – 'Bama smacks down McCain down on Kissinger. That guy always comes back to haunt you.

This thing where McCain starts each response by pointing out Obama’s “naiveté” just isn’t ringing true. Obama is more than holding his own here.

Yay! Let’s talk about Russia.

“I went to Russia once. And Sarah Palin saw me there--from her house. And I saw her too. And she waved at me and I waved back and I said “Hi Sarah”, and she said “Hi!” I saw Levi, too. He was hanging in the rec room playing on the Wii. He’s a fine young man who is taking responsibility for his demon seed. God bless that fine family. Anyway, Senator Obama is revealing his naiveté when he talks about Russia.”

McCain saw “K-G-B” in Putin’s eyes? That must have been freaky.

Nunn-Lugar – most Americans think that’s a light pilsner from the Netherlands.

“American blood and treasure”? What treasure? Can I have some treasure?

Obama needs to turn to McCain and tell him to stop telling lies. Stop pretending that Obama said he wants to be defeated in Iraq. What Obama said is that we’ve neglected legitimate threats because of the single-minded focus and spending on Iraq, and people know this – again, McCain isn’t ringing true.

I can’t WAIT for the veep debate. I has to be more exciting than this snooze fest. At the very least it’s at least going to be entertaining watching Palin squirm and find novel ways to stall for time.

Ugh. Cindy McCain. That woman is scary beyond belief. Doesn’t matter how many Nancy Regan suits and ropes of pearls you put on that woman, she’s still going to scare people.

Wouldn't it be sweet if Walnuts and Cindy did a terrorist fist-bump right now?

So, who won? I say tie, but I’ll give Obama the edge because he did what he needed to do. He totally held his own against McCain, proved that he’s experienced, informed and “presidential.” McCain didn’t do anything wrong, but he also didn’t really gain any ground.

I say tie, too, I guess. Obama needs to warm things up a bit, and get a little more personal, but he did well -- definitely held his own, and then some. McCain did ok, too, for a total fucking wanker – better than he usually does. Although I think he seemed overly cold and unpleasant toward Obama, and folks might not like that.

I hate to say it, but Jim Lehrer was terrible tonight. I can’t wait to see Gwen Ifill go after Sarah Palin. I don’t know when I’ve ever been so excited about a debate. Sarah Palin is my Dan Quayle.

I say the real winner tonight was ANGRY EAGLE.