Restaurant Review: Grecian Delight, Milwaukee, WI

For obvious reasons, which are three, nine and 11 years old, we don’t eat out a lot. When it happens, it is generally a hurried and exciting affair and typically ends with us paying an enormous tip to placate wait- and bus-staff.

The other night we found ourselves with few groceries and a mid-evening social engagement, so we decided to take the kiddies out to eat. For reasons known only to our subconscious and perhaps the pantheon of Greek gods, we choose Grecian Delight. As Michael’s friend used to say, I guess we were “hankering for a hunk of grey meat rotating on a spit.”

For those unfamiliar with Grecian Delight, it is a typical “Greek” restaurant near a university and strip of bars/nightclubs featuring gyros, chicken sandwiches and the like. The busiest hours are between Midnight and 3:00 AM.

Neither my husband nor I had been to such a place in a real long while, so I guess we thought this would be “fun” and “nostalgic.”

It was definitely nostalgic. First off, Grecian Delight must be one of the last remaining restaurants in the city where you can smoke, and more importantly, where there does not appear to be any designated non-smoking section. Seriously. Ashtrays, with ashes and butts, where on every other table throughout the restaurant. Awwww, how 1990.

The kids were a little freaked.

The menu was about as I remembered, it, with the addition of some true Greek classics like jalapeno poppers and chocolate chip cheesecake.

A man with many gold chains and a reluctance to button his shirt took our order.

Number one son ordered a hamburger; number deux ordered a fish sandwich. Third child went for that famous Grecian specialty, French fries and pita bread. Mr. Healthy got the grilled chicken pita (sans onion, but they put the onion on anyway).

Not me. If I was at this smoky, smelly place, I was getting a gyro, dammit (sans onion).

(Yes, our 13-year marriage is built on a solid foundation of onion hatred. What of it?)

Wow. Gyros are not good. I realize I was probably shit-faced the last time I ate one, but really, is there any level of drunkenness that could make a gyro taste good?

I tried to finish it -- really, I did. In the end I just couldn’t do it and surrendered it over to number one son, who thought it was delicious.

Foodstuff's Review: Trader Joe's Three-Cheese Pizza

How bad does pizza have to be for kids to reject it? Pretty fucking bad.

I don’t like to trash Trader Joe’s products. I like the store, I really like the prices and I like the fact that I can purchase a chunk of blue cheese without 1) borrowing money or 2) having to interact with cheese personnel who must fetch my gorgonzola from behind the glass case – I’m looking at you, Whole Foods.

But as we’ve discussed before, the ‘Trader sometimes peddles foods that just aren't that great. And some are downright God-awful. Like the three-cheese pizza.

Every good pizza needs a solid foundation—the crust. To describe the TJ’s pizza crust as “cracker-like” does an injustice to crackers everywhere. Try “cardboard-like.” Actually, cardboard is softer, moister and likely has more flavor. The crust is also weirdly powdery/floury which doesn’t exactly help with the dryness.

Next, the sauce. Way, way, WAY too sweet. It’s more like some type of gag-inducing sweet tomato preserves instead of pizza sauce.

This pizza claims to have three cheeses. With so many cheeses to choose from, you’d think they’d be less stingy. They could double, nay, TRIPLE the amount of cheese and it still probably wouldn’t be enough.

The overall flavor is very bland. You get the grossly sweet flavor of the sauce, and that’s it – you’re left desperately trying to choke down the crust.

Our children have never rejected pizza of any type until the Trader Joe’s three-cheese pizza.

So if you love candy-sweet yet somehow completely tasteless pizza, or if you love eating cardboard and hate cheese, or if you’re trying to get your pudgy kids to loose a little weight, then Trader Joe’s three-cheese pizza is for you.