Foodstuff Review: Trader Joe’s Light Mayonnaise

Ah, the bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich. Has God blessed us with a culinary experience more sublime? The Quimby Mathias Family enjoys BLTs more often than is probably recommended, but it’s hard to resist the deliciousness. As a bonus, the BLT is enjoyed, in some incarnation, by every one of our children—the BL, the BT, or even the LT. The B, plucked from a serving plate and eaten with fingers, is also popular.

One recent night, the stars appeared to be arrayed for an even better than usual BLT. The nitrate-free bacon was outstanding—not too salty, not too sweet. The whole-grain white bread was firm and chewy, toasted to a perfect golden brown. The romaine was crunchy. And the tomatoes? Sweet and tangy.

And, yet the result was a pure and unmitigated dining disaster. Barely eaten sandwiches were dropped into garbage cans, left on plates, or tossed outside for the possum that lives near our garbage cans.

What, what, WHAT in the name of Saint Anthony, that patron saint of heavenly bacon, could have ruined a sandwich with so much potential?

Trader Joe’s Light Mayonnaise.

I’ve never in my life thrown away a BLT sandwich, but as often is the case with Trader Joe’s products, there’s a first time for everything. (For example, the only pizza ever rejected by our children.)

I don’t know if I can adequately describe how just how bad this mayonnaise is.

First, the texture and body are weirdly translucent. Do you recall the slime effects in Ghostbusters? Well, not the first Ghostbusters, more like Ghostbusters II, where the producers were really trying to squeeze money out of the franchise. The really cheap slime. That’s what Trader Joe’s Light Mayonnaise looks like.

The taste is overwhelmingly vinegary, but still somehow bland, almost like a glue on bread.

And, Lordy, just like glue or cheap Hollywood slime, Trader Joe’s Light Mayonnaise sticks to everything it comes into contact with, rendering even delicious bacon inedible.

Again, we have nothing against the Trader. The store at Bayshore is tiny, but the prices are great and the staff is much, much, much less annoying than the angst-filled dreadlocked teens you have to interact with at Outpost or Lean and Snarly.

It’s just that when one of their products fails, they tend to fail spectacularly.

In any event, unless you’re willing to give the food away to the opossums, avoid the Light Mayonnaise from Trader Joe’s.


Anonymous said...

I've learned to avoid light mayonnaise completely. Nothing screws up a good tuna or egg salad more than crappy mayo...so, I just go for the real stuff and swim a couple extra laps in the morning.

Now, don't break my heart and tell me that the 2 buck chuck wine is bad, too...

Anne Quimby Mathias said...

I've no problems with the 2 buck chuck...the TJ's beer is pretty good as well.

Anonymous said...

Agreed, I'm trying to finish up the jar but find I'm avoiding it! Next time: less real mayo plus some dijon.... Now what's really good is Japanese mayo, but I believe it must have about 20 times the eggs, because it tastes so good, so I suppose it's not light. Still, there's no label on it....