Foodstuff's Review: Trader Joe's Three-Cheese Pizza

How bad does pizza have to be for kids to reject it? Pretty fucking bad.

I don’t like to trash Trader Joe’s products. I like the store, I really like the prices and I like the fact that I can purchase a chunk of blue cheese without 1) borrowing money or 2) having to interact with cheese personnel who must fetch my gorgonzola from behind the glass case – I’m looking at you, Whole Foods.

But as we’ve discussed before, the ‘Trader sometimes peddles foods that just aren't that great. And some are downright God-awful. Like the three-cheese pizza.

Every good pizza needs a solid foundation—the crust. To describe the TJ’s pizza crust as “cracker-like” does an injustice to crackers everywhere. Try “cardboard-like.” Actually, cardboard is softer, moister and likely has more flavor. The crust is also weirdly powdery/floury which doesn’t exactly help with the dryness.

Next, the sauce. Way, way, WAY too sweet. It’s more like some type of gag-inducing sweet tomato preserves instead of pizza sauce.

This pizza claims to have three cheeses. With so many cheeses to choose from, you’d think they’d be less stingy. They could double, nay, TRIPLE the amount of cheese and it still probably wouldn’t be enough.

The overall flavor is very bland. You get the grossly sweet flavor of the sauce, and that’s it – you’re left desperately trying to choke down the crust.

Our children have never rejected pizza of any type until the Trader Joe’s three-cheese pizza.

So if you love candy-sweet yet somehow completely tasteless pizza, or if you love eating cardboard and hate cheese, or if you’re trying to get your pudgy kids to loose a little weight, then Trader Joe’s three-cheese pizza is for you.


Anonymous said...

I couldn't agree more--that pizza is an insult to self-respecting pizzas everywhere.

Greg said...

Anne, totally agree about the 3 cheese, but if you haven't tried it try one of their margarita pizzas - I think they're awesome.

Anonymous said...

I guess I could understand how some people would think it is bland and yet sweet; but I actually really like it. I always like a really firm/burnt crust and I usually add brocolli and chicken (this may actually give it "taste" for me). Sorry you didn't like it but I find it a good middle ground between their smaller $3.29 pizzas and actually going out to a pizza shop.

Anne Quimby Mathias said...

anon ^^^ Thank you for disagreeing with me without calling me an idiot or suggesting that I hate food. ;)

(See the comments for the TJ's short ribs...)

Kompis said...

Very inexpensive and all organic. Made entirely in Italy. Maybe some people succumb to the overly complex American style pizzas found in every Pappa Johns or pizza Hut? Thia isn't authentic...but hey, the fat kids love it! Trader Joe's 3 cheese pizza tastes authentic and it is simply good for you as far as pizza goes...

Anonymous said...

Your description of this pizza, although a little dramatic, is true BUT for some reason I love this pizza. It is bland. The sauce isn't that good and the crust is dry. I know I shouldn't like it, but I do. It probably tastes like something awful my mom used to make and I just don't realize it.

Anonymous said...

We just threw it away! Have to agree, the three cheese "Trader Giotto" pizza is disgusting. Not only that, where's the cheese? You would think three cheese means lots of cheese but there's barely any and the sauce does indeed taste like some sort of sugary sweet tomato marmalade. It's all crust and nothing much else. Cardboard. What a shame as their meat "pizza parlanno" is outstanding for a frozen pizza with lots of flavor AND cheese.