Foodstuff Review: The Trader Redeems Itself

It's true I don’t like everything at Trader Joe’s. It’s true that not everyone agrees with my reviews. Case in point, these two gentlemen took offense at my assessment of Trader’s Korean-style short ribs.

Joe T said...

"Short Ribs are suppose to be thin. Stupid. And you cooked them to be burnt. Idiot. The fat is around the bone which there is not a lot of. Either A) you hate meat or B) God made you with a bad sense of judgment."

jason said...

"i agree with the comment above. these are great short ribs. cook on the highest part of your grill (open lid) for 2 mins each side and they are perfect. fat and all!
to quote the guy above....learn to cook before you post these comment....stupid!"

Uh, let's settle down ee cummings, it’s just a piece of meat. I don’t care for the ribs, so you best learn to live with it. I don't have to like the ribs, I can write about how I don't like the ribs, and you're free to shove burnt fat and marrow in your gob until the cows come home. God Bless America.

I will point out that most readers agreed with my assessment of the Trader's four-cheese pizza. There just isn't a lot of wiggle room. This pizza is so terrible, even kids reject it. That’s pretty fucking bad.

And let's not even talk about the light Mayonnaise, except to say that any product that can render bacon inedible must be the work of Satan himself.

But I’m a forgiving person (or maybe just stupid – just ask Joe T or Jason, above), so I’ll give most things a second chance.

That's why, when my lovely sister-in-law presented me with Trader Joe’s Candy Cane Joe-Joe’s cookies, I proceeded with an open mind and stomach.

God Damn! These cookies rock the fucking house.

Envision a perfect, fresh, double-stuffed Oreo. BUT, between the chocolate wafers, blended into the creamy filling, is a generous measure of crisp, cool, crumbly shards of peppermint candy cane. Enough said.

Sit back, pour yourself a glass of 1%, and you've reached cookie nirvana.

And it gets even better. Unbelievably, the greedy little brats (Uh, I mean, the blessed fruit of our loin. Wait? Is it loin, or loins? Do you have one or two loins?) DIDN'T LIKE the peppermint Joe-Joe’s.

Let me break it down:

Delicious cookie + children who don’t appreciate said delicious cookie = Christmas fucking miracle!

I’d say you’re forgiven, Trader Joe's.