Ol’ Rip-Ass Coat Bitch (ORACB) and his wife share some Golden Olympic Moments

Anne: First of all, I want to point out that these Golden Olympic Moments are not brought to you by Chevy.

ORACB: Unless…Chevy, any time you want a piece of this action, just give us a call.

ORACB: “For this American team, it must be a little like waiting for Godot.” Ok, that’s my favorite comment so far. For sure.

Anne: Uh, what the fuck does that mean?

ORACB: Wow, who designed the women’s gymnastics uniforms?

Anne: I know. It’s like someone said, “Make me the ugliest leotards possible – I want shiny, bunchy unflattering material. Make it look like cheap Christmas wrap. Next, add random squiggles, sequins and rick-rack. Bottom line, I want something that can make even an 87 pound gymnast look chunky. Do it NOW!”

Anne: There’s a WEST Des Moines?

Anne: What was that 16.9 score for?

ORACB: Uhh, those two bars? Those two barry-things?

Anne: They’re called UNEVEN bars, Michael.

ORACB/Michael: Ok, those Chinese girls DO look like they’re eight. It might not just be American whining.

ORACB/Michael: Oh my god, look at Bella Lugosi. He’s going to rip Bob Costa’s head off.

Anne: Jesus, Michael, it’s not Bella Lugosi, it’s Bella Kolrolli or something like that.

Michael (I’m tired of typing ORACB): That girl might be seven.

Anne: I don’t know. Maybe all of the glitter and blue eye shadow is a wild attempt to make them look older. Seriously, someone couldn’t help them with that a bit?

NOTE: We just got our digital converter box, so tonight’s Olympic events are the inaugural run.

Michael: Can you tell any difference in the picture? I can’t tell any difference.

Anne: I think it looks good. Mostly I’m excited about all those PBS weather channels. I can’t think of anything better to sleep to – random NOAA maps with jazz or classical. Kiss your Advil PM goodbye!

Michael: Wouldn’t that be crazy if the third guy on this swimming relay would totally fuck it up?

Anne: “He’s sunk to the bottom of the pool! It’s like he’s completely forgotten how to swim!”

Anne: This is a really boring race – it’s not even close. It’s like watching the Cornhuskers play Ball State or something back in the good old days.

Michael: You know what I want to see? Just once I want to see them focus on the people who finish dead fucking last.

Michael: Russian Federation, fresh off their domination of the Georgians, coming in second.

Michael: I guess that Mark Spitz is kinda throwing a fit about not being invited and flown to the Olympics. Uh, dude why don’t you buy your own tickets to the Olympics?

Micahel: She’s six, right?

Anne: You’re just going to have to let it go, Michael.

Anne: Jesus Christ, I’m getting sick of these fucking smug-ass commentators – especially the guy with the higher-pitched voice. So, these are “really, just silly mistakes”? What the fuck does this guy look like, anyway? I’d like to see him up on the balance beam. In fact, I’d like to see him do one of those flips and land right on his nuts.

Michael: Attacking the beam – I wish that were literal. That would be something to see. ARRHGHHHH!

Michael: OHHHHH! Well, I guess she didn’t attack the beam that time.

Anne: You just yelled “OHHHHHH!” like one of the commentators would. I think someone has Olympic fever.

Michael: So, what are the other girls saying to her? “It’s ok, you just crushed all of our dreams, but that’s ok. Let’s still be friends.”

Michael: Let’s face it, if any of us, or them, would try to jump on that thing and get on a balance beam, we would bounce in the opposite direction, fall, break a bone and lie there screaming ARGH! ARGH! ARGH!”

Michael: “The balance beam comes back to bite again.” Maybe that’s my favorite comment, if just for the alliteration.

Anne: Ok, I’m about done. Can we turn the PBS weather channel on now?

2008 Beijing Olympics Review: Does this visor make me look younger?

Hey, where’s Laura? Probably got stuck on some cultural tour. Meanwhile…

“We told President Bush to stop by -- we’d just be here sitting around in our bikinis -- but we never thought he’d actually show up!”

2008 Beijing Olympics Review: “You just don’t take steps on your pommel horse dismount.”

If your family is like ours, you watch the Olympics less for the athletic events and more to mock the commentators, cheesy athlete profiles and leave-nothing-to-the imagination uniforms.

2008 promises not to disappoint from a mockability standpoint, although the opening ceremony was a little too classy for my taste.

But really, what opening ceremony can ever compete with the powerfully regal display from the Atlanta games, especially the “Traditions of the South” portion of the show. Remember the cheerleaders-in-the-back-of-pickup-trucks routine? What a great opportunity to show the world all that which makes our country great, like, underage floozies getting knocked up by rural meatheads in gas-guzzling 4x4s.

I know I had goose bumps.

Anyway, I’ve only been watching for about an hour, but I’ve already heard all of these old Olympic standbys:

“Tonight’s gold metal spotlight – brought to you by CHEVY!”

“Not at the Olympics.”

“You just don’t DO that at the Olympics!”

“ARRRGGGHHH!”

“Nailed it!”

“He just needs to get through it cleanly.”

And my favorite so far: “You just don’t take steps on your pommel horse dismount.”

We’ll try to post some of our favorite 2008 Olympic highlights.

In the meantime, if you’re having a hard time discerning the US athletes, check the hair. On men, if you see spikes in the font and much hair gel, it’s likely he’s a part of team USA. On women, look for chunky blond highlights.

Aldi’s Recipe Review: Beef Ragout

Ok, it really was beef stew, but ragout sounds a lot fancier.

It appears that Aldi’s fresh meat is “treated” or “injected” with some sort of “flavor-enhancing solution” that has lots of di-meth and di-ex and other chemicals that start with the prefix “di.” I’m very unhappy about this, since it means I’m unlikely to buy any more fresh meat at Aldi – and that really sucks because it is so fucking cheap.

I didn’t notice this unhappy meat situation in the store because I was so over-stimulated by my first Aldi’s experience. I’m easily over-stimulated in retail settings – my friend Gina once took me to Linens ‘N Things. That was five years ago. She has never shopped with me again. I mean it. She won’t enter a convenience store with me.

Anyway, despite my extreme displeasure about this jacked-up meat, I’d be more displeased to let food go to waste, so we decided to go ahead and eat the meat we purchased.

Here are the ingredients we used.

• Adli “All Hopped Up On Goofballs” beef stew meat, about one pound. (This was like $2. Seriously. So sad.)
• 3 T butter, courtesy of our friends at Roundy's.
• 2 T Aldi “Carlini” Extra Virgin Olive Oil – I’ve had better olive oil, but if you’re cooking with it (as opposed to using it on salad or something) who gives a shit? “Carlini” olive oil is a blend and comes by way of the Spanish, Italians, and those wacky Greeks.
• Four large Aldi russet potatoes, sliced. It’s a fine potato. I can’t think of anything funny to say about potatoes.
• Four whole Aldi "Freshire Farms" carrots – not those bullshit ground-down “baby” carrots, either. Four macho carrots, sliced into coins.
• One package Aldi mushrooms, sliced (I thought these looked better than Pick N Save mushrooms).
• Three cloves garlic, minced.
• No onions. In case you don’t know, our 13-year marriage is grounded on a solid foundation of onion hatred. You will never see an onion-related review on Summary Judgments.
• 1/4 to 1/3 C Aldi “Morning Gold” baking mix – a Bisquick equivalent.
• Approximately 2/3 C of red wine – from our refrigerator. It’s been there since New Year’s Eve. Maybe Thanksgiving.
• Two 8 oz cans Aldi "Chef's Cupboard" beef broth.
• 1/4 t Mace, from our pantry. Mace is a seriously underutilized spice. It is named after a medieval weapon after all, but it’s actually very nice in soups, stews, and egg dishes.
• 1/4 t Allspice, also from our pantry. Clearly, Allspice has a brand manager. “Hey, which spice should we use? Well, looky here, it’s ALL-spice! That should do the trick!”
• Kosher salt
• Fresh ground pepper
• Chopped parsley and paprika. Parsley and paprika make anything look better, particularly if your dish is suffering from pastiness or grayness.

I doubt anyone reading this is using it as an actual recipe, but if you want to know how to make it:

• Brown the meat, mushrooms, and garlic in the butter and oil until browned and a bit crusty. (That crusty stuff on the bottom of the pan is called fond and it’s an excellent word to use in Scrabble because another player will almost always challenge it -- and nothing is better than a kicking a smug challenger’s ass when playing Scrabble.)
• Add the flour and stir until smooth.
• Add the wine and broth, stir until flour is fully integrated (no lumps).
• Toss the rest of the shit in – simmer for an hour or so.
• “Adjust the seasoning” as they say so often in my 1965 edition of The Joy of Cooking. (This edition also tells you how to dress and cook muskrat, raccoon, and bear meat. Just let me know if you want me to scan the recipes for you.)
• Top with parsley and paprika.

Overall, the stew, er, ragout, was delish. The meat was tender, but how could it not be, as “injected” and “flavor-enhanced” as it was? I couldn’t really determine any difference in taste compared to untreated meat, but it’s the thought that counts. Overall, this recipe was as good as the something made with ingredients from swankier stores – you know, stores with bags and non-deposit carts, and without the underpants and jogging shorts for sale.

So in summary: Hopped up meat = serious bummer; all other Aldi products = cheap and serviceable; kick some Scrabble ass with fond; and let’s all try to show Mace a little more love.

BREAKING ALDI’S NEWS: TANDIL LAUNDRY DETERGENT

We’ve just discovered that “Tandil” is the name of a city in Argentina (we thought it was maybe Spanish for “requires two wash cycles.”) Yet, Tandil laundry detergent is a GERMAN brand. Didn’t all the escaped Nazi’s seek refuge in Argentina?

COINCIDENCE? I think not!

Consumer Experience Review: “You fat cats didn’t finish your plankton!”

GOD DAMN! Between gas and grocery prices, we are officially on a budget!

As I’ve said before, desperate times call for desperate measures -- in a word, Aldi.

Due to circumstances that would take way, way, WAY too long to explain, both Michael and I have prepared Aldi’s food, but have never been to an Aldi’s store before today.

So, for all you Aldi’s virgins out there, first things first:

1)You need to “rent” your grocery cart for a quarter. If you return your cart, you get your quarter back. In some amazing understanding of inner-city microeconomics, Aldi’s figured out that a person looking to steal a grocery cart places higher value on their quarter than on the cart they wish to steal. Maybe those “Freakonomics” guys should look into this phenomenon.

2) Aldi’s does not accept checks or credit cards. They do accept debit cards and, of course, cash.

3) The cashier puts your groceries straight into an empty cart – no bags. If you want to take your groceries home in a bag, you have to buy it – there is a really heavy plastic bag with sturdy handles for .99 cents, and standard plastic grocery bags (but don’t buy these, they always end up in the trees on our block) and paper bags for .10 cents. There are boxes sitting around, but those are a hot commodity and you may have to fight a fellow shopper for one.

And just an FYI, you can buy underpants at Aldi’s. Also wheelbarrows and raspberry bushes. And jogging shorts.

Aldi’s is not the place to look for healthy or low-fat foods. Aldi’s does have a “Fit N Active” line of “health-conscious” products, but it is limited, predominately mango-flavored and weird. Overall, most of their foods are chock full of hydrogenated oils and high fructose corn syrup. No wonder their fig bars taste so fucking good.

Another thing -- you need to be a little scrappy to shop at Aldi’s -- this is not your typical Pick N Save crowd. I had to protect our place in line from a guy loaded up with Aldi’s brand energy drinks (I think it’s called “Red Thunder” or "Wild Thunder") and something called “GT Cola.” Despite this line-cutter's caffeine high, I managed to hold my own, thank you very much.

Bargains did abound. We bought a full week’s worth of groceries, plus some extras, for $143. We probably would have spent at least $200 on the same items at Pick N Save. For example, a gallon of skim milk is a dollar cheaper per gallon vs. PNS.

We bought little processed or prepared food – and tried to stick with meat, breads, vegetables and dairy products. The $143 also included household goods such as a large jug of laundry detergent (Tandil brand; “New Improved Fragrance!”) hand-soap refill, toilet paper and paper cups and plates.

Here's a 'lil sampler of what we purchased at Aldi:
But wait, you say – what if this stuff tastes horrible, or has cutworms in it (true story), or doesn’t work well -- then it’s not so much of a bargain, now, is it?

This is where we’re taking one for the team – we’re going to use all of our Aldi products over the next week and report back to you, the consumer, on the good, the bad, and the possibly infectious.

You’re welcome.

Stupid Review Review: The Mission

My eldest son and I recently watched “The Mission” on Netflix instant viewing. It’s a fine movie; beautiful cinematography, great music and solid performances by young DeNiro, Irons and Nesson in non-type roles.

Most movie critics and Netflix viewers rated this movie in the 4 to 5 star range, and almost everyone I know likes the film.

That’s why I was so surprised to see a one-star rating amongst the rave reviews.

I was intrigued – maybe the reviewer felt the script romanticized colonization and proselytization? Were there gross historical inaccuracies? Did she feel DeNiro’s performance was a bit wooden?

Nope. It was boobies.

Here’s the actual review:

Does not deserve a PG rating! It deserves an R rating for nudity. For those of you with children or actually do not want to see nudity then DO NOT WATCH THIS FILM

1 out of 38 people found this review helpful. (Uh, yeah.)

There are reasons to think twice before showing this movie to young children – there is violence, slavery, fratricide, talk of infanticide and some pretty intense scenes. Notice no mention of those issues in this review. Nope. This genius was offended by breasts and buttocks shown exclusively in the context of traditional indigenous dress. Or as Michael put it, National Geographic grade nudity.

People like this are the reason why the bloodiest, most gory torture-porn movies get by with an R (or even PG-13) rating, yet anything with extensive sexual themes or nudity gets the box-office killing NC-17.

Don’t believe me? Check out this documentary about the MPAA and how films are rated.

Comment Review: Do I Live In The Hood?

An alarmed, and anonymous, reader (see below, in red) is concerned about my foul mouth and the way I was raise (sic). I can assure the gentle reader that my parents spent much time and effort raising me to the highest standards of civilized society.

In other words, leave my mom and dad out of it, asshole.

And, by the way, I do live in the hood -- proud of it. What’s your point?

In summary, if you are offended by profanity, take yourself too seriously or are under eighteen years of age, don’t come ‘round here no more.

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post Roundy's Review Roundup!:

Roundy's bar soap is great for washing out the foul mouths of gutter speak adults. Do you live in the hood? Is this the way you were raise to speak (write)?

UPDATE: My mother-in-law thinks I'm ok, too (see comments). She's enormously sophisticated, and she lives in the hood.

Desperate times call for desperate "gutter speak." Really, how could anyone possibly discuss W., the war or our current economic state without letting the explicatives fly? (Although I admit I'm a peacetime profaner as well.)

In a bar-soap-in-the-mouth-related note, our youngest son once took a bite out of a bar of Burt's Bees soap, thinking it was chocolate (it does look very much like a candy bar). He's just starting to trust the cocoa bean again.

Roundy's Review Roundup!

HOLY SHIT!

Have you seen the price of groceries these days?

In these uncertain economic times (Wait, I mean “Robust Economy,” isn’t that right, George W. Bush? Wow, what we will do when that motherfucking genius isn't around?), you might cast an eye toward those store brands. I know, it’s a risky proposition. Is generic ring bologna really going to meet your family’s high, high standards? Will they judge you harshly if you bring home some no-name Thousand Island dressing?

Here at Summary Judgments, we always have the public’s good in mind, so we’ve compiled a review of Roundy’s store brand products.

For those of you outside of the Wisconsin/Illinois area, the Roundy’s corporation owns the Pick N Save, Copps and Rainbow chains of grocery stores.

A few overall notes:

1) First of all, the “Chairman Bob Approved” campaign? (Bob Mariano is the Chairman of the Roundy’s corporation.) Might need some re-tooling. The primary in-store feature of this campaign are little “thumbs-up” cardboard cut-outs that stick out from the shelves, alerting you to featured Roundy’s brand products.

Cute, right?

It took us about 2.4 seconds to realize that the thumbs could be easily flipped over, thus creating the unintentional “Thumbs down from Chairman Bob” campaign and scaring shoppers away from that reasonably-priced can of jumbo pitted olives.

And trust me, we weren’t the only ones flipping the thumbs, not by a long shot. It’s pretty much the primary form of entertainment at the 16th and National Pick N Save. Well, it’s a close second behind loudly airing your marital grievances via cell phone.

2) I realize it’s probably some family legacy thing, but I think the products might go down easier with a more appealing name. Roundy’s. Meh. It’s not exactly unappetizing, but it’s not doing anything to draw me in, either.

Aldi’s does it right when it comes to store-brand names. In the market for some generic canned veggies? Why, look, it’s “Happy Harvest” brand! Need an industrial size bag of noodles? Well you’re in luck sir, for you’re about to purchase “Chef’s Choice” dried elbow macaroni. Ooooooo, fancy. Better hurry before the chef’s snatch it up!

(Please note. Summary Judgments does not recommend Aldi’s products, particularly “Happy Harvest” canned goods. If you really want to know why, send me an email.)

3) The design values on the Roundy’s packaging is poor. Weak fonts, muddy colors – the overall design just screams, “I am so fucking cheap.” Could the good folks in the Roundy’s creative department step it up a little? We’re already shopping generic – give us just a little bit of our dignity back.

Despite their creative flaws, I would wholeheartedly recommend most Roundy’s, Roundy’s Select or Roundy’s Organics products…

But, let’s face it; it’s hard to fuck up applesauce.

Most of the Roundy’s stuff is of the processed, smashed, blended or otherwise smooshed variety. How can you assess the true quality of ingredients rendered into a liquid, paste, spread or sauce?

Know what I’d be impressed with? Roundy’s brand Filet Mignon. Roundy’s Select brand Beluga caviar. Roundy’s Organics stripped sea bass on sautéed jicama matchsticks.

Ok, moving on. Here are the ratings for some specific Roundy’s brand products:

Roundy’s Organics Pure Maple Syrup: I give this two thumbs up (WAAAAAY up). Tastes exactly like the $8 pure maple syrup and it’s seriously cheaper. Like many whole dollars cheaper. The kids like it, we’re saving whole dollars, everyone’s happy.

Roundy’s Organics Fruit Spread: Also two thumbs up. Keep in mind, though, this product is smooshed up fruit. Not real hard to fuck up. It’s definitely cheaper than the national brands, with no discernible difference in taste or texture. Go for it.

Roundy’s Select Premium Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream: One thumb up. It’s okay, but it’s not that much cheaper than Breyer’s and it has a weird, slightly foamy consistency. It tastes a lot more processed than other premium ice cream brands. However, it does go on sale a lot, and, hence, the thumb.

Roundy’s All Natural and Roundy’s Organics All Natural Apple Sauce: Two, thumbs, but please see my comments above re: degree of difficultly in fucking up applesauce.

Roundy’s Select European Sodas (Lemonade, Raspberry Lemonade, Blueberry something, and I forget the rest): I guess one thumb up. These are really expensive, like $3 for a 1.5-liter bottle. Not available in individual serving sizes (which means serious loss of carbonation if you don’t drink the whole thing right away), the bottles are too tall and take up valuable tall-item space in the fridge. Taste is not memorable. That’s it, I’m taking the thumb away. These things blow. No thumbs.

Roundy’s Organics Crunchy Peanut Butter: Two thumbs up. Comparable to any national brand “natural” peanut butter. People, it’s smashed peanuts and salt, no need to pay more.

Roundy’s Citrus Breeze (or something like that) Anti-Bacterial Dish Detergent: One thumb. As dish detergent, it’s on the low end of the scale -- not as bubbly as Joy, without the grease-mitigating properties of Dawn, and lacking the historical presence of Ajax. Still, the price is easily half that of national brands, and sometimes, that’s good enough for us.

Roundy’s Eggs and Milk: Two thumbs. All eggs and all milk come from the orifice of a barnyard animal. There’s really no need to pay for a name-brand orifice.

So, in conclusion, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with Roundy’s store brand products, especially when it comes to things consisting primarily of smashed fruit or nuts or products that come from an orifice. Also, George W. Bush is a fucking idiot.

Help us help you – if you have something to say about Roundy’s, or any other store brands, let’s hear it in the comments!

Family Activity Review: The Cold, Indifferent Breath of Time, or, Borrowing Movies from the Public Library

Ah, the public library system – a precious resource for our community. I do really, truly love the library with all my heart (especially Milwaukee’s Central Library) and we try to get there at least once a week.

So it made perfect sense to eschew Netflix and Blockbuster and get our movies from the beloved library. Oh, how wonderful and thrifty this would be! What money we would save!

We’ve never been more wrong. In the last month, we’ve spent an average of $40 a month on late fines for these “free” library videos. This is not an exaggeration. In fact, out of shame, I’m minimizing the amount of the fines.

Right now you’re asking yourself: “Why? How? Are you guys really that stupid?”

The answer to the first two questions is simple: The Fucking Three-Day Movie Policy (FTDMP).

And I’m just going to lay it on the table now -- I’m almost positive that the long-term economic growth strategy for the library is built on our family’s failure to navigate the FTDMP. And I have proof.

The first few times we failed to meet the FTDMP deadline it was a psychological thing. It’s the fucking library -- you get to keep library stuff for like two or three weeks, right? Something from the library doesn’t have to be back in 72 hours! That’s some fascist-Blockbuster-type shit.

Also, these three-day returns are supposedly based on some sort of “New Release” system. Ok, fine, I’m familiar with the “New Release” concept from the old Blockbuster days. But “Jaws?” I'm supposed to wrap my head around the fact that according to the library, “Jaws,” released in 1975, is a new release and therefore must be whisked back in a few fleeting hours? In what kind of fucked up universe do I need a reminder in Outlook to make sure I meet my “Jaws” deadline?

I’m guessing the person who decides the “New Release” status is heading toward the end of their 7th decade and doesn’t really like movies.

Think I’m being dramatic or mean-spirited? I simply ask you to consider these hot new releases we’ve recently borrowed from the library:

The Seventh Seal (1956)
1900 (1976)
The Sorrow and the Pity (1969)
Jane Eyre (1970)
The Last Emperor (1987)

Considering how totally insane it is to pair any of these titles with the concept of “New Release,” I thought maybe the FTDMP was instead based on a title's popularity.

All you really have to do is read the list again to know that’s not true either.

So it's just totally random. Further proof that the FTDMP is a deliberate profit center.

The other problem stemming from the FTDMP comes from a phenomenon I call the “over-borrow.” Something about the Central Library’s media center makes us lose all control and grab movies like we’ll never get another chance.

“Hey, how about this 12-tape collection of “The Jewel in the Crown?”
“Why the hell not?”
“Isn’t it about time we actually watched an Ingmar Bergman film?”
“Sure, get ‘em all!”
“Number one son wants the entire X-Files series on DVD.”
“Great, whatever. (You don’t have a lot of homework this week, right?)”
“Here’s a nine-part series of dramatic biographies about 18th Century Japanese composers.”
“Great, great. Only nine parts? What else can we find?”

We have never left the library with fewer than 18 individual titles. And that’s a HELL of a lot of keep track of in a mere 72 hours.

The library does nothing, NOTHING, to save us from ourselves. If there’s a limit to the number of movies you can borrow at one time, we haven’t reached it, and believe me we’ve tried. Another reason I’m sure this is a deliberate money-making system.

We try to get the movies back in time, really we do. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve wrenched a sci-fi movie from a surly 11-year-old’s hands, screaming “But it’s a three day video, A THREE DAY VIDEO!”

A weekly scene finds Michael and me at the dining room table, surrounded by dozens of empty DVD and video boxes, disks and half-rewound tapes -- eyes glazed, mouths agape, minds numbed by lack of sleep -- trying to match FTDMP titles with the appropriate case. At our backs, we feel the relentless push, the never-ending march, the cold indifferent breath of time --circling nearer, bearing down, threatening to drown us in unmet responsbilities.

On the bright side, no children’s videos or DVDs fall under the FTDMP. You get seven days for those puppies.

So, in summary:

Title: Blues Clues, Blue’s Birthday
Length/Particulars: 38 minutes, released 1998
Library Says: No prob. Relax. Take as much time as you need.

Title: Middlemarch
Length/Particulars: Six and a half hours. Released I don’t know when. I think it was an old Masterpiece Theatre mini-series.
Library Says: Missy, you better get yourself some crystal meth or work yourself into a depressive insomniac state or something, cause you’ve got 72 hours to get this thing done. We’re betting you won’t, though. Oh yes, we’re betting you won’t. We’re betting exactly $2 in maximum library fines that you won’t. AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!